The Blessed Peace of Doing What is Needed
.jpg)
Stuart Burke died last Friday in Rochester, New York at around 12:30AM after a prolonged struggle with cancer. As best I can tell his life ended peacefully and without pain thanks to the wonderful people in the hospice where he spent his last three days. He died in the presence of his two sisters and his wife, Janice, who held him close until the very end and even beyond. Stuart’s passing came as no great surprise. There had been hope, of course, that the regimen of chemotherapy treatments would turn the tide but in our heart of hearts those of us with any experience knew what to expect, after the conclusive diagnosis it was just a matter of when.
Stuart is one of my step-husbands; I have two, having been married now three times to three remarkable women. Stuart’s wife Janice was my second wife; we were married for over 20 years. We are all very close, my step-husbands and their wives, me, my wife and all the other relatives. It’s just a different way to develop an extended family and it works for us.
What took place in the final days before Stuart left us and in the immediate aftermath is worth noting. Among other things, I believe it provides an insight into engagement as a human phenomenon that is not well understood or even recognized. That element I am referring to here is CHOICE.
A while back, maybe eight years ago, in one of my older versions of a Webster’s, I found a definition of engagement that has become a standard for me in my work.
- Engagement: the condition of being associated with any activity as a matter of choice.
Where I find power in this definition is in the perspective it provides; from there the level of engagement is always a function of the engager as much or more than the surrounding events or environment.
Sunday morning January 8th: As I am preparing for my trip from the San Juan Islands in Washington State to Rochester the following day, I check my email and see a notice from CaringBridge.org that informs us all that Stuart’s condition has declined rapidly and he will be moving to a hospice facility on Monday or Tuesday. (Pam, our close friend of 30 years has CHOSEN spontaneously taken over the notifications so Janice can focus all her attention on Stuart.) It is apparent to me then that I will be directly involved somehow in Stuart’s final days. I have a role to play and am just not yet clear of the expectations.
- I can CHOOSE what is in front of me or RESIST, I cannot change what is happening.
I continue my preparations, originally planned around a two day client workshop they will now include the last days of Stuart’s life.
Sunday afternoon January 8th: I receive a phone call from my youngest son Jake; he is 24 and lives in Brooklyn. He too has been informed of Stuart’s decline. He is going to take off work for a couple of days, head home, and do what he can for his mother. He asks if I can help with a train ticket to Rochester since he has no internet service yet in his new apartment and cannot make the reservation for the following morning. I CHOOSE to accept his request. I look up the schedules and give him the options, we agree on the best time and I complete the ticket purchase on line.
Sunday evening January 8th: It occurs to me that I have not notified Janice that I will be in town and I know it will make a difference to her in some way. When I call Stuart and Janice’s number, a voice I immediately recognize answers. It is Betsy and we have not spoken in about ten years. Betsy lives in Orinda, CA and is in the area coincidently to visit her elderly father in Buffalo. She has read the Caring Bridge notification as well and CHOSEN to drive to Rochester to see how she can help. She is now managing the incoming phone calls so Janice can get some sleep. She will pick Jake up at the train the following day before heading back to Buffalo on Tuesday morning.
Monday January 9th: I fly to Rochester. When I land, I find an email has arrived from Janice. She is glad I am going to be in town at this important time. She also let’s me know that Jake was planning to gather his furniture while in Rochester, rent a truck and drive it all to Brooklyn when he leaves. Upon hearing this I CHOOSE my role and it is to work with Jake, modify my plans and travel back home from New York City after driving with him to Brooklyn.
I also receive an email from my work partner Laurie telling me that her daughter’s water has broken and she is going into labor with her first child two weeks early. It looks like a C-section is in the offing, Laurie has made a CHOICE and is already on her way to New York City to be with her daughter. It now seems I’ll be doing the workshop by myself, having never led this one before. I make a CHOICE, this can all work and I’ll need to do some intense preparation with Laurie over the phone.
Tuesday January 10th: I have a buffer day before the workshop begins, (Lynn, another friend of twenty years calls and says she has heard I am in town and wants me to know that she and her partner Barb, another long time friend would welcome me if I was looking for a place for dinner that evening. She and Barb and a group of others have been running meals daily to Janice and Stuart for the past two weeks. I CHOOSE to decline the offer but let her know that it means a lot). Laurie calls in the afternoon and tells me the baby has arrived in the middle of the night, Mom and baby are doing well and she has decided the work we are doing is too important to linger in NYC. She and her husband have CHOSEN to make the seven hour drive home that night, following a similar drive the night before.
I finish a dinner meeting that evening with a special client/friend and CHOOSE to drive to Janice’s home to see Jake. He is so sick he cannot get off the couch. I suspect a strong emotional response to seeing his step-father in an extremely emaciated condition. Janice later confirms that she shares my suspicion. He’ll be fine in time.
Wednesday January 11th: Laurie and I successfully conduct the first workshop with our new client. She is brilliant and acknowledges around 2PM that she is fading. I CHOOSE to lead the last three hours of the workshop.
That evening I drop by to see Jake after having dinner with one of my former partners. He tells me that Lynn and Barb CHOSE to come by and took him out to dinner. He was grateful and feeling better.
Thursday January 12th: The previous day Laurie and I had been notified by our client/sponsor that his mother was in intensive care and he would not attend the morning of second day of our workshop. We had planned to meet with him after the session to look forward to plan the balance of the process. We CHOSE to tell him to let go of the workshop, do what was needed for his mother and we’d catch up this week. That’s what he CHOSE. We have a call set with him for Wednesday afternoon.
After the workshop and some follow up debriefing with Laurie, I head over to help Jake move furniture in preparation for an early morning Friday departure. When I arrived, it was obvious that the house had been thoroughly cleaned. Jake said that Lynn and a couple of other friends had CHOSEN to deal with the house and the aftermath of Stuart’s declining health that had piled up for several weeks.
We packed and went off to dinner. We invited our friend Keating who was arriving back in town from a week of work in Arlington, VA. She CHOSE to accept; she arrived at 8PM and drove from the airport to meet us at a restaurant. Jake had always been a favorite of hers and she hadn’t seen him in over a year. We had a great time; Jake started to unwind a bit by the time we were done.
Friday January 13th: Upon awaking it was immediately apparent that the expected 2-4 inches of new snow would be much more. I had previously planned to meet Jake at the airport and drop off my rental car. We proceeded with that part of the plan but as the snow continued to fall, I could see that driving to Brooklyn with a truckload of furniture was out of the question. As I waited for, Jake I CHOSE to create a new plan, send Jake back to New York by train so he could work Saturday as was expected and to wait until Saturday morning and to drive the truck myself to Brooklyn. He CHOSE immediately, I didn’t have to ask him twice, he saw the same thing I did and was grateful for the opportunity to return to New York on Friday.
Saturday January 14th: I drove the truck to Brooklyn and arrived without incident. We unloaded the truck and we CHOSE to order pizza delivered.I also insisted on wings!
Sunday January 15th: Jake needed to be at work so I walked with him to his subway station. I told him I would get a cab to La Guardia from there. He CHOSE to leave me standing on the corner but not without making me promise to send him a text when I arrived safely at the airport, which I later did.
In retrospect it was a peaceful week, blessedly peaceful. It had its moments but what day, week or month doesn’t? Lot of opportunities to CHOSE or RESIST and little chance of changing anything that was happening; CHOICES made by myself and others, many not mentioned here, to do what was needed when it was needed.
We have Stuart to thank for giving us most of these opportunities. Laurie's new granddaughter gets the rest of the credit Nice gifts I’d say.
If you have been involved in management/leadership development for any length of time I am sure this thought has crossed your mind…


Where in your company do you see signs that senior managers, especially those responsible for resource allocations, are inclined more towards employee development now than in the past? 
.jpg)
.jpeg)



.jpg)
.jpg)

I was not planning on another post spotlighting the Pike Place Fish Market anytime soon, or for that matter ever again, until last week when I saw the video ‘FISH!’ for the very first time. To put it mildly I was horrified. Never mind that the production value of the video leaves a lot to be desired, the message in the film was what got my blood stirring. Unfortunately, I can now also see why 

